Hee. By "results" do you mean offspring or just crazy relationship stuff? Assuming the former, I hypothesize the following:

1. = a young expert on the history of ballpark organ music
2. = (not sure about this one, but I'll go with) the kid who brings burrito flavored muffins to the bake sale
3. = a kid who plays like Tori Amos, only naked
4. = I'm frankly at a loss on this one - certainly a child with pale skin and glasses...
5. = a Pokemon addict who likes to write about pants