sigerson: (Default)
Feeling very silly right now. You see, they MAILED the admission decision this morning.

But they DON'T release admission decision information over the phone. I still don't know if Harvard wants me.

So I am waiting for the skinny letter or the fat letter, over the next few days.

In a way, it's all right--the tension of calling was twisting my gut in knots. Now it's something that I just...well...it will surprise me.

Thank you to those who've sent me good mojo today; I needed it, and I'm happy to know you're thinking of me. As soon as I know, I'll post...but that remains in the hands of the US postal service.

Thank you to those who have been infinitely patient with my drama queen-ing; I promise, just a couple days more.

It seems somehow right that today I saw my first spring crocus.
sigerson: (your point?--Wens)
Paper is due at 5:30.

7:10am-8:06am= 4 1/2 pages done.

Yaa!

Updates will continue and likely get progressively sillier.

shiny.

Dec. 14th, 2004 01:15 pm
sigerson: (sheep)
More good things:

1) My reading assignment for Sociology is awesome. "Competing Devotions: Work and Family among Women Executives"; more as I finish it.

2) My UChicago application went in today. No more worrying! Well, now I move to an entirely different kind of worrying! I will now accept ideas for the "Celebrate Embly/Console Embly" party, to happen sometime in March after I get a thin or thick envelope.

3) I have a name plate. It's shiny, and it has my name on it, and it's shiny.
Damn, but I feel executive.

It's a good day so far; may some of this happy pass to all of you. (Especially the part that is not caffeine-derived.)
sigerson: (Default)
What is it about academia that gives me knots in my guts?

I met with a professor today, and though it went okay, it didn't go great. Didn't have enough questions to ask her, wasn't zeroed in on her field, felt like I was wasting her time. But I know I wasn't. And I know she didn't react to me poorly. I just...When I am in an academic setting, I feel kind of hypersensitive. Like I -must-make-a-good-impression!! As if I am either Brilliant or Moronic or Crushingly Mediocre.

In college, this led to a pursuit of slightly above mediocrity. Now, I have something else on my side. For every little voice in my head that says "you are a Moron and everyone you have ever interacted with agrees", there's a louder voice saying "you can do this. you are capable of doing this. put in the damn effort, wuss!" It's not exactly reassuring; this voice finds my moronitude, mediocrity, or depression fully irrelevant to the task at hand.

But that voice is enough to get me through, I hope. It's not merciful, and it's not comforting; it's like a little taskmaster on my shoulder demanding that I stop wallowing and start working to fix things.

Is this a sign of maturity? Or neurosis? Either way, I think it's helping me.
sigerson: (Default)
I sent the scary emails to Harvard last night. The "Hi, you don't know me, wanna talk about what it might be like if I studied under you?" emails. Arranging for a mutual scope-out.

Next is Chicago, though I have to narrow my choices there first.

Any recommendations for fiction? I've been headfirst in essays, research, and commentary (plus a well-written "Very Brief Introduction to Literary Theory"), and I'm in desperate need of a fictionfix. Anything. Genre, non-genre, old, new, just so long as I haven't read it yet.
sigerson: (jiggly)
Two religion-grad-school related events today, one which left me walking on air and whooping, and one which left me grumbling and resolute. Therefore I must vent.

The first: I met with a prof from last semester who offered to write me a letter of recommendation. Prof had lots of good advice, fun attitude, good news about prospects for a career as well as for my own admission into HDS. And a possible job offer for the fall. Or at least a connection leading thereto. I thought I would keel over...especially when prof offered to go over my statement of purpose essay when I write it. Not just woot: wo0o0o0o0o0o0t! I like this person so much. I wish they were in the fields I'm looking at. Oh, and I really do need to start learning German.

The second: Intro survey class this evening. I got a paper back, and it was a B-. I first reacted poorly: "This deserves better! If it weren't such a stilted topic..." Then irritably, thinking about the high tangent-to-info ratio in class. This prof is intelligent, funny, and well-spoken...but the combination of tangents and the necessity of hurrying through material in a survey class is driving me nuts. Finally, I reached the best conclusion. I will kick this class's butt. I will do so well on these papers, far better than a standard 101 demands or deserves. Fooey.

Back in college, I would have whimpered and had a self-doubt attack at a B-. Now I'm just determined to do better and irate about the class. Yeah, I'm definitely ready for more schooling.

Paraphrase of something I heard recently: "You need an ironclad ego to apply to this school. You need an ironclad ego that is justified in order to get in."

In other news, I seem to have wailed on the party too hard last night at game. Thankfully, Rules Guy assists. Sigh...I should just run a bunch of combats till I know the stuff inside and out.
sigerson: (Default)
Do I really want to do this?
Do I really want to apply to grad school?

Knowing that it entails: alienation; five or more years without job experience or savings; big debt pile; uncertain job status; stress; terrifying possibility of distance from beloved; other terrifying possibility of being five years in and discovering I hate all this; fear of discovering that I suck; no guarantees of job, money, stability; having to push back other life plans ten years or so; self-doubt; angst; more angst; angst, angst, angst, angst, bacon, and angst; and pudding.

Well, I think the pudding is optional at HDS, at least.

Jeez.

(pacing floor)
(quaffing tea in a preoccupied sort of way)
(being scared again...as usual)


Dammit, I do. I do want this. I do want to learn more and preach and teach and yell and research and think and argue and hear and...well, I don't want to schmooze but I guess I have to, and use my BRAAAIIN!

Remind me of this in six months. And then in six years.

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