Adde parvum parvo magnus acervus erit

Today was Open House at Harvard Div School!

I met several people, including one I REALLYREAAAAALLLYREALLY want to study with, and didn't make a fool of myself! I audited a couple of classes, decided some more about what I like and don't in class discussion, and spent a little time in the library to cool my head.

Heard some tough-love stuff about going for a PhD. It takes about six to seven years; it will require both French and German, as well as any language of concentration; its purpose is to train scholars and teachers, not to be something you pick up on the way to being a novelist or a filmmaker or a lawyer. I can take it. Oh, and Harvard admits about eight every year. That could be harder.

Community Tea featured a fun woman named Annie, another named Hillary, some more professors, and an award from the Mexican government to a professor, David Carrasco. And Corona.

I think I'm gonna like it here...

Feeling very silly right now. You see, they MAILED the admission decision this morning.

But they DON'T release admission decision information over the phone. I still don't know if Harvard wants me.

So I am waiting for the skinny letter or the fat letter, over the next few days.

In a way, it's all right--the tension of calling was twisting my gut in knots. Now it's something that I just...well...it will surprise me.

Thank you to those who've sent me good mojo today; I needed it, and I'm happy to know you're thinking of me. As soon as I know, I'll post...but that remains in the hands of the US postal service.

Thank you to those who have been infinitely patient with my drama queen-ing; I promise, just a couple days more.

It seems somehow right that today I saw my first spring crocus.

Yo, editorial-types and anyone who's just nosy...

...I'll have a first draft of my personal statement for HDS tonight. Anyone wanna take a peek? Some of it will carry over to my Chicago app, and some won't.

You really do need to inflate your ego to write it. Whee!

Two religion-grad-school related events today, one which left me walking on air and whooping, and one which left me grumbling and resolute. Therefore I must vent.

The first: I met with a prof from last semester who offered to write me a letter of recommendation. Prof had lots of good advice, fun attitude, good news about prospects for a career as well as for my own admission into HDS. And a possible job offer for the fall. Or at least a connection leading thereto. I thought I would keel over...especially when prof offered to go over my statement of purpose essay when I write it. Not just woot: wo0o0o0o0o0o0t! I like this person so much. I wish they were in the fields I'm looking at. Oh, and I really do need to start learning German.

The second: Intro survey class this evening. I got a paper back, and it was a B-. I first reacted poorly: "This deserves better! If it weren't such a stilted topic..." Then irritably, thinking about the high tangent-to-info ratio in class. This prof is intelligent, funny, and well-spoken...but the combination of tangents and the necessity of hurrying through material in a survey class is driving me nuts. Finally, I reached the best conclusion. I will kick this class's butt. I will do so well on these papers, far better than a standard 101 demands or deserves. Fooey.

Back in college, I would have whimpered and had a self-doubt attack at a B-. Now I'm just determined to do better and irate about the class. Yeah, I'm definitely ready for more schooling.

Paraphrase of something I heard recently: "You need an ironclad ego to apply to this school. You need an ironclad ego that is justified in order to get in."

In other news, I seem to have wailed on the party too hard last night at game. Thankfully, Rules Guy assists. Sigh...I should just run a bunch of combats till I know the stuff inside and out.

Do I really want to do this?
Do I really want to apply to grad school?

Knowing that it entails: alienation; five or more years without job experience or savings; big debt pile; uncertain job status; stress; terrifying possibility of distance from beloved; other terrifying possibility of being five years in and discovering I hate all this; fear of discovering that I suck; no guarantees of job, money, stability; having to push back other life plans ten years or so; self-doubt; angst; more angst; angst, angst, angst, angst, bacon, and angst; and pudding.

Well, I think the pudding is optional at HDS, at least.

Jeez.

(pacing floor)
(quaffing tea in a preoccupied sort of way)
(being scared again...as usual)


Dammit, I do. I do want this. I do want to learn more and preach and teach and yell and research and think and argue and hear and...well, I don't want to schmooze but I guess I have to, and use my BRAAAIIN!

Remind me of this in six months. And then in six years.