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Paper is due at 5:30.

7:10am-8:06am= 4 1/2 pages done.

Yaa!

Updates will continue and likely get progressively sillier.

What is it about academia that gives me knots in my guts?

I met with a professor today, and though it went okay, it didn't go great. Didn't have enough questions to ask her, wasn't zeroed in on her field, felt like I was wasting her time. But I know I wasn't. And I know she didn't react to me poorly. I just...When I am in an academic setting, I feel kind of hypersensitive. Like I -must-make-a-good-impression!! As if I am either Brilliant or Moronic or Crushingly Mediocre.

In college, this led to a pursuit of slightly above mediocrity. Now, I have something else on my side. For every little voice in my head that says "you are a Moron and everyone you have ever interacted with agrees", there's a louder voice saying "you can do this. you are capable of doing this. put in the damn effort, wuss!" It's not exactly reassuring; this voice finds my moronitude, mediocrity, or depression fully irrelevant to the task at hand.

But that voice is enough to get me through, I hope. It's not merciful, and it's not comforting; it's like a little taskmaster on my shoulder demanding that I stop wallowing and start working to fix things.

Is this a sign of maturity? Or neurosis? Either way, I think it's helping me.

Two religion-grad-school related events today, one which left me walking on air and whooping, and one which left me grumbling and resolute. Therefore I must vent.

The first: I met with a prof from last semester who offered to write me a letter of recommendation. Prof had lots of good advice, fun attitude, good news about prospects for a career as well as for my own admission into HDS. And a possible job offer for the fall. Or at least a connection leading thereto. I thought I would keel over...especially when prof offered to go over my statement of purpose essay when I write it. Not just woot: wo0o0o0o0o0o0t! I like this person so much. I wish they were in the fields I'm looking at. Oh, and I really do need to start learning German.

The second: Intro survey class this evening. I got a paper back, and it was a B-. I first reacted poorly: "This deserves better! If it weren't such a stilted topic..." Then irritably, thinking about the high tangent-to-info ratio in class. This prof is intelligent, funny, and well-spoken...but the combination of tangents and the necessity of hurrying through material in a survey class is driving me nuts. Finally, I reached the best conclusion. I will kick this class's butt. I will do so well on these papers, far better than a standard 101 demands or deserves. Fooey.

Back in college, I would have whimpered and had a self-doubt attack at a B-. Now I'm just determined to do better and irate about the class. Yeah, I'm definitely ready for more schooling.

Paraphrase of something I heard recently: "You need an ironclad ego to apply to this school. You need an ironclad ego that is justified in order to get in."

In other news, I seem to have wailed on the party too hard last night at game. Thankfully, Rules Guy assists. Sigh...I should just run a bunch of combats till I know the stuff inside and out.