musing on autumn approaching

[sigerson]

Classes start very soon, and I'm not ready. I mentioned to my boss yesterday that I wasn't yet up to facing the semester, and--she stopped me. "Facing the semester?" she said. As if it were an ordeal to be overcome or an unpleasant chore!

Yes, it's been those things at times, but I want to respond to it with the same glee that overtakes me when I pick up academic books at the library. (Oo! "The Ethnography of Reading"! Oo! "Faith and Narrative!" Oo! Oo!) After thinking about it, crying a little with sen_no_ongakulast night, and talking for most of the evening, I came to a few realizations.

It's not that I dread the classes. When I think about taking classes this fall, I'm excited and curious--I can't wait for the first week, to sort through syllabi and see what comes up, to check out reading lists and start poking at the topics. Whenever I think just about what's coming up, I'm eager to start.

What is upsetting me is my current work, or rather, my inability to get it all done and ready. My Second Planting isn't ready yet! I want to be the fool in the field, and yank up the seedlings to help them grow...I want to have it all done and ready by equinox, and that's simply not possible.

It reminds me of the same dreariness that tends to overtake me in my second year of a job. I don't manifest anticipation and joy for the future, because I'm so aware of the undone work of the past.

But life doesn't fall into neat parcels, with each new event tidily packaged and all loose ends tied up in between. There are no chapter breaks, as much as I love narrative. And therefore, one of my hardest lessons is to keep at a good work, even under the weight of unfinished projects or past mistakes.

It is the second day of the long walk: muscles complaining about yesterday's travel and the landscape losing its novelty--but never its beauty. There will soon be the second wind and the rush of momentum. I have to be a Janus, looking forward and hungry for the new semester, and looking backward to accept and continue the work that isn't yet ready.

Comments

[ethicsgradient.livejournal.com]

Hmm, I put in that comment after reading the subject line, but before reading the entry....I think I'll delete it, since the entry is too serious for wacky comments.

[cybersattva.livejournal.com]

Mmmmmm. Nice. Thanks for sharing. :)

[mindways]

But life doesn't fall into neat parcels, with each new event tidily packaged and all loose ends tied up in between.

No, not really. I think school can give the illusion of that, sometimes - and doubly so in grade school where there's little continuity of study from year to year.

But life's more organic than that in its flow. Which is something I also need to remember, especially when I'm mentally beating myself up for not getting certain projects finished. (Just this morning, in fact. :)

[xclamationpt.livejournal.com]

Maybe, oh older and wiser and one-year-experienced sage can help guide a freshman-like me around these great famous halls, or just meet for lunch at times. =)

[kassrachel.livejournal.com]

What is upsetting me is my current work, or rather, my inability to get it all done and ready.

::nod:: Boy howdy, do I hear that.

But increasingly I think this is the real challenge of life, and work: continuing with the work even when what we've done (or failed to do) is imperfect. Finding a way to retain some joy, despite what remains undone.

That's my blessing for you: joy despite the work that always and ever remains. *hug*

[shellaby.livejournal.com]

Clearly, the solution to all your problems is to hang out with me soon.

My orientation is Sept 12-15. How does lunching it sound. Maybe we should let xclamationpt join us too.

[minyan.livejournal.com]

And joy in the work too, because the work you do get to do means so much, even when its overwhelming, especially when its overwhelming. It's always hardest to adjust to new rhythms at the start, too, like trying to getting up earlier — you have to get through one long day, and then you fall asleep earlier that night, and the next morning feels fresher.

I'm wishing you sunrises.
And surprise and the feeling of hitting your stride.

[laobscuridad.livejournal.com]

It is sometimes difficult to accept the fact that there will always be things, important things, that are unfinished.

I try to think of neatness as being overrated, whether or not it is true.

[thomascantor.livejournal.com]

A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, and he eats the leftovers you were saving in the fridge.

[heatmhub.livejournal.com]

This may seem like an odd recommendation, but read "The Zen of Martial Arts." It's slim -- fast, easy, and enjoyable reading. Read it for the Zen lessons. It made me reconsider about my expectations, particularly my expectations for myself and what I want to accomplish, and think about them in a new (more healthy and happy) way.