deeep breath, deeeeep breath...

Do I really want to do this?
Do I really want to apply to grad school?

Knowing that it entails: alienation; five or more years without job experience or savings; big debt pile; uncertain job status; stress; terrifying possibility of distance from beloved; other terrifying possibility of being five years in and discovering I hate all this; fear of discovering that I suck; no guarantees of job, money, stability; having to push back other life plans ten years or so; self-doubt; angst; more angst; angst, angst, angst, angst, bacon, and angst; and pudding.

Well, I think the pudding is optional at HDS, at least.

Jeez.

(pacing floor)
(quaffing tea in a preoccupied sort of way)
(being scared again...as usual)


Dammit, I do. I do want this. I do want to learn more and preach and teach and yell and research and think and argue and hear and...well, I don't want to schmooze but I guess I have to, and use my BRAAAIIN!

Remind me of this in six months. And then in six years.