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past and time
Apr. 16th, 2004 12:28 amThinking about past loves tonight, after midnight, when I should be sleeping.
Once I would have said that feeling nothing is far worse than feeling anger. Now, that's true in other situations, but here...
You see, there was this guy I used to date--no, not any of the nice ones from college, this was way back...iasmh anybody? Breakup was sour and prolonged and just hurtful on all sides. I cut off contact, mostly out of anger and self-hate.
Time passed, and years went by. And now, I don't feel anything really about him. Thinking about him _then_ is all mixed up with thinking about my past self, but about who he is now? He emailed me some time ago, wanting to know if I was still holding a grudge...I said I wasn't, but let contact slip. There just wasn't anything there for me. He probably still thinks I have a grudge against him and am nurturing some long-deep anger.
It's not like that. Sometimes, there is nothing to feel. If I poked myself, I could feel compassion, but only on a "we are both human, we shared some time together, we have both changed" level. If I poked again, I could get angry if I tried, but it's anger about who we were and what we did and why.
Just nothing left there. Maybe a faint remembrance and tenderness for those years, and a forgiveness of who we both were. But no need to regain it, and no desire to reconnect. Nothing left.
And that nothing is better than anger. Better for me; I don't hear his name and curdle inside. Better for him; no one needs negative emotions aimed at them. I don't know that I ever will wish to reconnect. Empirical evidence suggest not. It is better to be without the pointless anger, in a place where happy feelings are not likely to grow. Let the field lie fallow rather than sprout thorns.
Old loves, lost in the past, and who we were is lost with them.
(Forgive me. I'm like Gizmo: if you allow me access to LJ after midnight, I become a romanticism-spewy Gremlin.)
Once I would have said that feeling nothing is far worse than feeling anger. Now, that's true in other situations, but here...
You see, there was this guy I used to date--no, not any of the nice ones from college, this was way back...iasmh anybody? Breakup was sour and prolonged and just hurtful on all sides. I cut off contact, mostly out of anger and self-hate.
Time passed, and years went by. And now, I don't feel anything really about him. Thinking about him _then_ is all mixed up with thinking about my past self, but about who he is now? He emailed me some time ago, wanting to know if I was still holding a grudge...I said I wasn't, but let contact slip. There just wasn't anything there for me. He probably still thinks I have a grudge against him and am nurturing some long-deep anger.
It's not like that. Sometimes, there is nothing to feel. If I poked myself, I could feel compassion, but only on a "we are both human, we shared some time together, we have both changed" level. If I poked again, I could get angry if I tried, but it's anger about who we were and what we did and why.
Just nothing left there. Maybe a faint remembrance and tenderness for those years, and a forgiveness of who we both were. But no need to regain it, and no desire to reconnect. Nothing left.
And that nothing is better than anger. Better for me; I don't hear his name and curdle inside. Better for him; no one needs negative emotions aimed at them. I don't know that I ever will wish to reconnect. Empirical evidence suggest not. It is better to be without the pointless anger, in a place where happy feelings are not likely to grow. Let the field lie fallow rather than sprout thorns.
Old loves, lost in the past, and who we were is lost with them.
(Forgive me. I'm like Gizmo: if you allow me access to LJ after midnight, I become a romanticism-spewy Gremlin.)
