deeep breath, deeeeep breath...
Feb. 26th, 2004 11:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sigersonDo I really want to do this?
Do I really want to apply to grad school?
Knowing that it entails: alienation; five or more years without job experience or savings; big debt pile; uncertain job status; stress; terrifying possibility of distance from beloved; other terrifying possibility of being five years in and discovering I hate all this; fear of discovering that I suck; no guarantees of job, money, stability; having to push back other life plans ten years or so; self-doubt; angst; more angst; angst, angst, angst, angst, bacon, and angst; and pudding.
Well, I think the pudding is optional at HDS, at least.
Jeez.
(pacing floor)
(quaffing tea in a preoccupied sort of way)
(being scared again...as usual)
Dammit, I do. I do want this. I do want to learn more and preach and teach and yell and research and think and argue and hear and...well, I don't want to schmooze but I guess I have to, and use my BRAAAIIN!
Remind me of this in six months. And then in six years.
Do I really want to apply to grad school?
Knowing that it entails: alienation; five or more years without job experience or savings; big debt pile; uncertain job status; stress; terrifying possibility of distance from beloved; other terrifying possibility of being five years in and discovering I hate all this; fear of discovering that I suck; no guarantees of job, money, stability; having to push back other life plans ten years or so; self-doubt; angst; more angst; angst, angst, angst, angst, bacon, and angst; and pudding.
Well, I think the pudding is optional at HDS, at least.
Jeez.
(pacing floor)
(quaffing tea in a preoccupied sort of way)
(being scared again...as usual)
Dammit, I do. I do want this. I do want to learn more and preach and teach and yell and research and think and argue and hear and...well, I don't want to schmooze but I guess I have to, and use my BRAAAIIN!
Remind me of this in six months. And then in six years.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-02-27 10:22 am (UTC)I think there's no question that you really have a calling to some kind of priestesshood. The questions are, how do you answer it? And when? I think you've got good answers, and I also think HDS is a great place to wrestle with them. (If you decide to go into academia you can take the MTS and go on for a Ph.D., for example.)
But I keep coming back to where there's fear, there's power, and it's a really scary choice but one I think you ultimately will make, one way or another. I think you're really brave for staring it in the eye right now.